Clyde Whalen, enjoying life at
the Peterborough Senior Center
Image by Matti Kniva Spencer

Clydesides – 09-20-09

The two words most frequently used in English are “and” and “the”. There are ten all told, including a, I, in, you, to, that, for and of.

There are two kinds of people in the world – people who read in the bathroom, and people who don’t.

There’s no easier way to get your name into print than to run for office, which brings up this years candidates. How candid are they?

Death is just nature’s way of telling you, “Hey, you’re not alive anymore.”

Some people lie, others merely prevaricate.

Never help an old lady across the street – escort her. Don’t you just love English?

A sick man calls a doctor. A man who becomes ill summons a physician. The rich man has laryngitis. The poor man has a sore throat.

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?

A black cow gives white milk that makes yellow butter.

Be careful when you chooses enemies.

If you’re rich, you have to support others, if you’re poor, others have to support you.

Women can’t be trusted too far, men can’t be trusted too near.

The weaker sex is really the stronger sex, because of the weakness of the stronger sex for the weaker sex.

Why is it we never hear of a self-made woman?

In the old days your old man would say “Be home by midnight” and you’d be home by midnight. Today parents dare not tell you what time to be in. They’re frightened you won’t come back.

You may think you married the man of your dreams . . . But fifteen years later, you’re married to a reclining chair that burps.

A bean supper will be held Saturday evening in the church basement. Music will follow.

Nothing in life is fun for the whole family.

The only things worth learning are the things you learn after you know it all.

It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours.

The first law of politics: Never say anything in a national campaign that anyone might remember.

If love is blind. . .marriage must be like having a stroke.

My husband said he needs more space. So I locked him outside.

My husband and I found this great new method of birth control that really, really works. . .Every night before we go to bed, we spend an hour with our kids.

How do you tell the sex of a chromosome? Pull down its genes.

The lack of money is the root of all evil.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Since this month’s column has jumped the fence, and taken material from the always popular “Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader”. We, Mary Finn and me hope you’ve enjoyed it and that you’ll come back and read us again.

Clyde Whalen, enjoying life at
the Peterborough Senior Center
Image by Matti Kniva Spencer

MAKING UP JOKES, MAKING PEOPLE SMILE…
By Mikhail Khazin

(For Clyde Whalen’s 90th birthday)

At his respectable age Clyde Whalen hasn’t stop working, communicating, being friendly with people, being actively involved in many life problems of the Fenway neighborhood, of Boston and the entire world. In every issue of the small newspaper “Fenway News” his column regularly appears. He has his own show “The Clyde Whalen Experience” on TV, Boston Neighborhood Network.

As an entertainer Clyde may be wasn’t a stage or screen star, a Hollywood heartthrob, but he was a delightful comedian, who left many audiences, even the most discriminating, convulsed with laughter. Boston Mayor Thomas Menino appreciated highly Clyde’s activity, his energy and talent, sending him a letter of compliment.

Clyde Whalen was born on August 3, 1919. He studied in the Boston Latin School, but during the depression dropped out early from classes and started a career in show business – first as a singer in movie theaters, then on radio.

In World War II he served in the Air Force, where he attended to troop morale, appearing in Army Shows. After the war “the singing soldier“ changed and tasted a few other art professions. In any of them he expressed his personality, his dream to bring more joy and peace in human souls.

As a singing comic he traveled on transatlantic cruise ships performing his optimistic program for the entire world. Especially he loved his creative meetings with military compatriots abroad: “My most memorable performing overseas was in England… I entertained a group of soldiers at American bases there and the reaction was just great. The audience was wonderful”. Switching from show business to journalism was for Clyde a natural step. His performing gift proved useful even in his new way of life when he started his TV programs.

Often in Clyde’s words good mood is combined with wisdom. I enjoy listening to him, talking with him. Many his expressions remain in memory.

They keep advertising flowers, – Clyde said, – but in fact, people are the real flowers of life… And if I have one wish, it would be to tiptoe through your tulips and water each and every one of you and watch you grow.”

His jokes bring smiles to faces.
Do you think we should stop eating chicken because they use fowl language?
Do you smoke? Just enough to maintain a slight cough.
An extinct volcano is a mountain that can’t get its rocks off.
A joke nobody laughs at is like a cry for help that nobody answers.
I want immortality, but am I willing to die for it?
Good things come to those who wait, but they’re not as fresh.

Trying to bring something fresh in this article I composed a traditional Questionnaire and asked Clyde to give brief answers, only one or a few words for every question. He agreed and expressed his gratitude for my attention to his life and answered with lightning speed.

Quality you most appreciate in human beings. Friendliness.
What is your distinguishing feature? A disinterest in food.
What is your idea of happiness? Contentment.
What is your idea of unhappiness? Inability to activate.
What do you appreciate highly in friends? Friendship.
Vice you most despise? Being judgmental.
Defect you are the most ready to excuse? Inability to adjust.
Your favorite occupation? Crowd pleasing.
Your favorite poet? Hasn’t been published yet.
Your favorite prose-writer? Too many to choose.
Your beloved heroine? Mother.
Your favorite life rule? Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you.
Your favorite flower? Daisy.
Your favorite color? Green.
Your dearly historical hero? Jesus Christ.
What historical personage do you hate most? Haven’t decided.
What is longevity? Something I am either blessed or cursed with.
What was the greatest blessing in your life? My mother’s pregnancy.
Who can catch the harmony of the Universe? Anyone not tone deaf.

Clyde comes to his 90th birthday, as usually, with a joke – When you’re out walking, you know how people come up to you and say: “Hello, how are you?” If you’re as old as I am, you can say: “I’m still vertical. If I get horizontal, I’ll let you know”.

So, I wish you, Clyde, to remain vertical and to sparkle with wit for a lot of coming years, many happy returns.

Mikhail Khazin lives in the West Fenway.

West Fens resident Clyde Whalen gives “The Fenway Report” every other week on Neighborhood Network News on cable channel 9.

My friend on the farm is telling me that his chickens are using fowl language, probably because this is the longest winter we’ve ever had. With any luck, it will probably soon end and summer can come out of hiding again. So much for the weather.

The Eskimos in the Arctic have decided to move to Phoenix, Arizona, where they have built wooden igloos. That, my friends, is progress, when you figure how long those poor souls have been freezing.

One of the best things happening in the Fenway are the scratch tickets. If you haven’t participated in this happy little game, ask around and find what stores are selling them, at one, two, five, ten and twenty dollars. The secret here is that when you buy a card, say for a dollar, you have five places to scratch and if your ticket holds the right scratches, you collect prizes that encourage you to continue. Some people think it’s the best game in town. Thought you’d like to know.

When you want to play Scratch tickets, buy all of them in order from the same roll. Say you are going to spend ten bucks; you take ten one-dollar tickets in a row, as it’s more likely to win than ten cards from different roll.

Have you noticed how the news programs tend to feature bad news? If you can figure why bad news is so important, write it down and mail it to Clyde Whalen, Neighborhood Network News, 640 Commonwealth Avenue, Boston, 02215.

When I take my Sugar to tea, all the boys are jealous of me; ’cause I never take her where the gang goes, when I take my Sugar to tea.

Have you noticed there aren’t as many drunks staggering around as there used to be? Looks like a step in the right direction or could it be that everybody’s on pot? If you care, write to me and we’ll investigate.

Why does everybody have to drive their cars to work? They don’t even team up anymore with five or six in one car. It’s one person to one car. The roads are crowded. Big trailer trucks have accidents that result in holding the traffic for hours, so work suffers and progress comes to a halt. For those who don’t know, there is now a commuter train in Allston. Good luck with it.

Bicycles are doing great too. Fortunately there haven’t been any bicycle accidents to speak of. At least not one that called for a report. And we hope that continues.

I got a magazine that said you have been approved, so you don’t have to pay anything now, so you can buy things from this magazine and pay them when you feel like it. That’s not like when I was a kid. They had a thing called lay-away. You wanted to buy something, you ordered it, they held it for you, while you made a number of payments and made your last payment and you walked away with your purchase. That way no one ever owed anyone anything and you wound up never buying anything you could not afford.

What’s your take on acronyms? That’s the one letter for each word of the regular phrase you are using. It drives me crazy, or maybe I was that way to begin with. H-A-Y, for example—How About You?

When you’re a kid, you learn important facts at your mother’s knee. Later on you learn important facts in many other joints. Keep smiling, it’s not all bad.

Don’t hesitate to give advice. Generally, nobody listens anyway. If you know the difference between right and wrong, it’s all the advice you’ll ever need.

Did you see that bit about the guy who got insulted by the actions of a dog, threw hot coffee in his face and was arrested. So mind your manners around your dogs. They have a right to live, too.

Stay tuned for more laughs and misinformation next month in Clydesides.