West Fens resident Clyde Whalen gives “The Fenway Report” every other week on Neighborhood Network News on cable channel 9.

My friend on the farm is telling me that his chickens are using fowl language, probably because this is the longest winter we’ve ever had. With any luck, it will probably soon end and summer can come out of hiding again. So much for the weather.

The Eskimos in the Arctic have decided to move to Phoenix, Arizona, where they have built wooden igloos. That, my friends, is progress, when you figure how long those poor souls have been freezing.

One of the best things happening in the Fenway are the scratch tickets. If you haven’t participated in this happy little game, ask around and find what stores are selling them, at one, two, five, ten and twenty dollars. The secret here is that when you buy a card, say for a dollar, you have five places to scratch and if your ticket holds the right scratches, you collect prizes that encourage you to continue. Some people think it’s the best game in town. Thought you’d like to know.

When you want to play Scratch tickets, buy all of them in order from the same roll. Say you are going to spend ten bucks; you take ten one-dollar tickets in a row, as it’s more likely to win than ten cards from different roll.

Have you noticed how the news programs tend to feature bad news? If you can figure why bad news is so important, write it down and mail it to Clyde Whalen, Neighborhood Network News, 640 Commonwealth Avenue, Boston, 02215.

When I take my Sugar to tea, all the boys are jealous of me; ’cause I never take her where the gang goes, when I take my Sugar to tea.

Have you noticed there aren’t as many drunks staggering around as there used to be? Looks like a step in the right direction or could it be that everybody’s on pot? If you care, write to me and we’ll investigate.

Why does everybody have to drive their cars to work? They don’t even team up anymore with five or six in one car. It’s one person to one car. The roads are crowded. Big trailer trucks have accidents that result in holding the traffic for hours, so work suffers and progress comes to a halt. For those who don’t know, there is now a commuter train in Allston. Good luck with it.

Bicycles are doing great too. Fortunately there haven’t been any bicycle accidents to speak of. At least not one that called for a report. And we hope that continues.

I got a magazine that said you have been approved, so you don’t have to pay anything now, so you can buy things from this magazine and pay them when you feel like it. That’s not like when I was a kid. They had a thing called lay-away. You wanted to buy something, you ordered it, they held it for you, while you made a number of payments and made your last payment and you walked away with your purchase. That way no one ever owed anyone anything and you wound up never buying anything you could not afford.

What’s your take on acronyms? That’s the one letter for each word of the regular phrase you are using. It drives me crazy, or maybe I was that way to begin with. H-A-Y, for example—How About You?

When you’re a kid, you learn important facts at your mother’s knee. Later on you learn important facts in many other joints. Keep smiling, it’s not all bad.

Don’t hesitate to give advice. Generally, nobody listens anyway. If you know the difference between right and wrong, it’s all the advice you’ll ever need.

Did you see that bit about the guy who got insulted by the actions of a dog, threw hot coffee in his face and was arrested. So mind your manners around your dogs. They have a right to live, too.

Stay tuned for more laughs and misinformation next month in Clydesides.